To My Growing Toddler: Saying Goodbye To Heartache

To My Growing Toddler: Saying Goodbye To Heartache

Whitney
Whitney

Shouldn’t it be our big day too?  All Moms should have the right to feel special on their child’s birthday. It’s the day we brought a precious creation to the world, our world. When we locked eyes with our baby and made a bond to love this human being with an endless love. Each year as my babies get older I hold onto that first day I had with them. Embracing the moment of their soft skin, little toes, and tiny body.

I know birthdays should be full of celebration. But every year my heart seems to go into a deep sadness, knowing the day I first held my child slips farther and farther away from me. Knowing the day with babies wrapped into my arms will end. Then soon following the sound of crickets in my childless home.

Today, my youngest son turned two. As I woke up the words “Happy birthday buddy!” seemed forced. I didn’t want it to be his birthday. I just wish for him to stay little so he will always admire me. I want him to need me. I want his little hand to always fit around my one finger. I want him to keep asking me, “What’ss thiss?” But today changes everything. It’s the day I will soak up trying to catch every moment before another year slips by. It’s the time to remember how soon you will grow into your next session of your life. It’s the time to make this day as special as I can.

So here we are in the store getting your birthday cake and special dinner. Letting you explore your boundaries without my hand. As you laugh and giggle your way through the aisles, I feel a sense of happiness fill inside me, and then sadness when reminding myself you will one day grow out of this stage. But then you showed me something I never expected a two year old to reveal. You sat down on the ground and laid down looking up at the ceiling. While you looked up everyone else continued pushing their shopping carts. You went outside the norm, feeling and exploring a new way of doing things. Maybe I should do the same with these birthday emotions.

As we sat swinging on the porch swing display I noticed how healthy and happy you were.I seen how perfect the day was. You had your fights and tantrums, but you were there with me. For me to hold, kiss, and love. Not the days to come, or the days that were already gone. Just THIS day. I remembered back when I was a kid and how excited I was to turn 8 and the double digit ten. I wanted everyone to be excited that I was ___age, not sad that I was getting older. Why can’t I be this excited for you?

So my aching heart felt energized with hope. Hope to make the best of this moment right now. Celebrating the next session in your life. Feeling thankful to be a family for today. Being thankful I got to celebrate your second birthday. We never know what tomorrow will bring. What goodness will come our way, or what troubles will make us fall. Let’s celebrate the birthdays we can, and not swallow the pain of tomorrow. Forever you will be with me, and forever I will be with you. I love you Jonah!